Perspective

Have you ever wondered what you are doing, or will do, to scar your children? Not in a disfiguring physical way, but in an emotional way? I can tell you that I am far from a perfect mom. I do love my girls more than ANYTHING. I want them to be happy, successful, well-adjusted, and the list goes on. I see their strengths, their weaknesses, their fear, and my heart breaks for them when they experience sadness, loss, or disappointment. I have loved them from the minute I felt the flutter of life within my own body, and I will love them long after they are gone. In spite of this HUGE love, that is really not something that words can describe for most parents, I get angry, I mess up, and I'm sure someday they will let me know.

In my line of work, I am a fly on the wall. As this fly, I am privy to TONS of teen angst. Some people tune into a favorite radio station or listen to office gossip at work, but I hear the hum of those who believe the world revolves around them. We've all been there (some people never escape!). Do you remember the days when we believed we were so STRESSED? When we were smarter and more experienced than our elders? Yep, that the alternate universe where I hang. Don't get me wrong, I find it amusing and enjoy those kids (most of the time). Sometimes I even pipe in and give my take on their complaints. I like to remind them that their parents are actually human beings with feelings, insecurities, dreams, responsibilities, and lives. WHAT???This usually peaks the teenagers interest. "What do you mean?" some ask. I go on in an even, calm tone. I ask if they've ever had a really bad, stressful day. Of course they get that. I explain that while they are at school worried about their course schedule, assignments for classes, deadlines, relationships, and weekend plans, their parents are also somewhere worrying about schedules, assignments, deadlines, relationships, weekend plans, bills, laundry, dinner, groceries, parental duties, and a lot of other things for every member in the family. Well, this typically blows their minds. Most are a bit thoughtful of the prospect of multi-tasking at that level. A few even ask me more questions, or they vent. Usually at this point I find it useful to add a little something that I hope someone would tell my girls in the future when they are bashing me and feeling neglected or abused by me. I remind them that everyone messes up. There aren't crystal balls, instructions, or rewind buttons in life. I like to ask them if they've ever messed up BIG time. Most can admit that they truly have. I like to tell them that whether their mom forgot to wash their jersey, slapped them in the heat of an argument, took away their cell phone, screamed at them for no good reason...whatever...it wasn't a proud parent moment. It is the moment parents dread~letting their kids down. I know that there are exceptions...a minuscule amount of parents really don't care and are truly awful. I throw this disclaimer out, but most kids are thoughtful at the prospect of actually identifying with their parents. You know? Realizing that their mom and dad are MORE than just parents. They are struggling to build and maintain a life too. This is truly MIND BLOWING.

See, like I said, we've all been there. (I think!?) I like to think that I've always appreciated that my parents were actual people on some level, but I remember when I truly got it. I went through a really tough year with my three year old. On one particular day she was throwing a HUGE fit in a crowded Wal-Mart. I LOVE her, adore her really. However, I wanted to smack her cute little mouth, but I tried to calmly reason. When she threw herself on the floor and refused to listen, I wanted to scream at her! I left the cart FULL of groceries and scooped her flailing body up and started for the car. She smacked me as she struggled to escape...I was so FRUSTRATED!!!! I thought I was being patient, but I'd had a busy week; I didn't feel good; I was working full time; we were selling our house and it was being shown the next day; my oldest needed treats made for her class; I was behind on laundry; my cell phone was ringing; I need to find a babysitter for the weekend because I had a debate tournament to attend with my team; I hadn't found judges for that tournament; I had no clue what was for dinner; my kids were "starving;" I had bills due; I was grocery shopping; AND I was apparently the WORST mom in the world!!! We got to the car and I yelled, "PLEASE SHUT UP!!" She burst into tears, and I felt horrible. I drove home listening to her cry and babble about how mean I was, (and believing it wholeheartedly) wondering how my own mom (and mother-in-law had done this with SIX kids.

She had lots of episodes. Some I handled better than others. I took parenting classes, took her to the doctor, (took myself to the doctor:) and still ~ I was failing. I reached the benchmark of what was the peak of my horrible mom moments (so far!!!) on my anniversary, which coincidentally happened to be the day Haizer and Kaitlyn were getting married...August 11, 2007. That day was crazy. I'd been up making bows, ironing clothes, making food into the wee hours of the morning. We'd sold the house and were now in a stressful, lava rock filled mess wondering if our home would be able to be built on the lot we'd put our savings into. Our loan was being prepared, I was stressed in gathering documents to secure the transaction. I was dieting ~ this is never good! I had to do hair for four people, cook food for the reception, AUGHHHH! On top of my list of things to do before the wedding, Abby was in a mood. She'd torn the house apart as I prepared food and did hair, she found her dress and ripped it. And then, this is true, she got her newly washed slip and stood over it and peed on it to show how mad she was at me. I was SOOOOO mad. I grabbed her, took her to her room, and I demanded that she not leave her bed. She screamed for over an hour. Michael got home and convinced her to put her dress on. I was FAR from ready myself, but had managed to pull everything else off in time. He took the girls and headed to the wedding. I told him I'd throw my make up on and be there asap. When I arrived, Abby latched onto my leg (she suddenly liked me again) and refused to walk down the aisle in her beautiful dress her new aunt had bought her. The music began to play, and she started to scream. I scooped her into my arms and made a run for the house ~ anything to get her out of earshot so Kaitlyn's entrance would not be ruined. I'd just closed the door in the safety of the house when she bit my shoulder...HARD. My reaction was to get her off of me. I pushed her onto a couch. I was bleeding. I was SO mad. It was truly the straw that broke the camel's back. I was seething and was so frustrated, embarrassed, and shocked. When she calmed down I took her out the front and spied on the wedding from a distance. I was so sad to be missing Haizer's wedding, and I was so mad at my little girl. The moment the wedding was over and people began to leave the tent to organize the reception, I drug Abby to her dad. I thrust her into his arms and could not believe my own ears when I said, "Take her! I can't stand her!" I turned and nearly ran for the car where I burst into tears. Michael came to me and told me that someone had heard me say that awful thing. How humiliating! A witness to my failure as a mother...besides my precious daughter and my husband ~ which was bad enough.

Yes! Someone even caught a picture of us! Don't we look happy?

Now, don't get me wrong, Abby was very naughty that day. But, in her defense, school had ended and the next day we moved to the house we'd rent until our new home was built ~ she wanted to go home. Three days after moving in, I left for two weeks on a trip to Europe ~ she wanted her mom. And, I had been stressed and had been over committed all summer ~ she sensed that. I didn't realize any of that until I took her back to her babysitter a few weeks later, and she looked up at me and said, "See momma, this is my home. This is somewhere I remember." I cried again. I realized that I had reacted to her (and a whole laundry list of other things), but she'd also reacted to me (and those things). I didn't mean to make her insecure and scared, I was doing the best I could. Thankfully she was little and doesn't really remember...but I'll mess up again and she'll remember. I just hope she will understand that I'm doing the best that I can. I'm also happy to say that she has outgrown her fits and doesn't seem to hate me for trying my best to teach her manners and discipline. :)

This is when I realized how much I appreciated the efforts and success of my parents. They did the best they could with SIX kids and all of those other responsibilities. Sometimes I thought they were so mean, but now I am just in awe of all that went into raising and providing for us. My kids have a long way to go, and I'm grateful that I have parents I can go to for advice. There is one good thing about mistakes, you learn. I know that I will always forgive my children for their mistakes and love them as they continue to grow and change. I just hope my kids have the patience to allow me a learning curve! (And that they will realize that I'm still working on my self too!)